I am totally passing the blame for this one.

Update on the car situation. (Read this post first or else none of this will make sense)

I drove 40 minutes to the closest dealership this morning. I was thinking something very strange was wrong that they wouldn't be able to fix. Guess what the problem was?

The bulbs were burnt out.

Yep.

How embarrassing.

In my defense, I can confidently blame the techs at the garage I took the car to yesterday for not catching this very simple, very easily fixed problem. I think I should go back and recommend some Delphi Tech Training classes for them. Let's learn the basics guys.

Not all is lost, though - since my car is under warranty, I didn't have to pay for anything by taking it to the dealership.

Case closed and the lights are back on.